i'm wasting a lot of time reading webcomics, so lel. um.... i'll make an official list of 'recommendations' and stuff. but for now, heres a list of stuff i've just completed, and found really amazing :
- FreakAngels : Post Apolyptic epicness. loved it
- Darwin Carmichael Is Going to Hell : fun tale. paranormal setting. stoned angels. warning : kawaii
- dominic deegan - oracle for hire : omg ! i can't even begin. its like epic. read it if ur into fantasy stuff. i really really liked this one.
the upside to writing stuff by hand is that i have control over the timestamps. so i can make retcons, remove posts, add posts. MUAHAHAHAH :3 [ cos um... cats are evil bastards.... made sense to me ]
i don't really get a lot of time right now [ shitty fucking annual tests season.... exams suck ] , so i write stuff when i have time and upload it later. ain't that the greatest thing ever !
i just feel so low. idk why. ik its silly, but i guess its just how i am......
i find life to be really really painful. extremely so. everyday is another gruelling nightmare. most nights i spend having an emotional break down in a corner of my room. yeah ik ,it sucks. i'm not very good with emotions. and writing it down feels like an understatement. i guess i feel stuff but i don't let it show ? not particularly equipped in that respect.
i'm a bit of a misanthrope, not that i hate people, okay i do, but its more of a tendency to stay to myself at any given opportunity. obviously i don't get along with people [ obviously ]. i've never really had friends, not truly. yeah, sure there are people i talk to now and then, but in calling them friends, i feel like i'm taking liberties with the meaning of the word. its not like its not my fault, i'm weird and i have all these fucking issues, so meh. feelings of isolation and of being alienated and loneliness are recurrent. i get by most days. i've got no one else to blame but myself so yeah. a dearth of meaningful relationships for prolonged periods of time does tend to have its effects on one's mind. i have really long conversations with myself. talking with manifestations of my psyche is kinda cool..... monologues. supervillain material here.
i'm pretty much your average bloke... below average if i'm allowed to say :p. i'm not particularly good looking [ a milder way of saying i'm basically hideous ] , nor am i really good at anything. it takes me some time to respond with "idk" when someone asks me my hobbies. i mean yeah i love doing certain tasks. its just i'm not any good at them :p i love to write stuff. and draw , i'm into pixel art. i like writing code and playing around with electronics. i like taking pictures and making stuff that work. i wouldn't be inclined to say that i'm smart.... i'm lazy, extraordinarily so. i devise ways to maximise efficiency of most tasks - level lazy. lazy enough not to pursue my interests. however, if i do think about it, i'd say that i'm good at learning stuff. like pretty much anything.... i like gathering facts, like random shit.
one of the reasons i'm writing this thing [ i refuse to call it a 'blog' in text even though for all purposes it pretty much is one... i shall avoid sounding silly as far as i can ] is cause there's been a lot going on in my head, and i've run out of people to talk to. i mean, sometimes there are things you want to say, but its the kind of things that you don't want ppl to hear. and sometimes its just stuff people might want to hear, but there's nobody to really talk to, hence a platform where i can say anything i want to say. lel. also its an experiment of sorts. to be able to capture that voice in my head, you know ? the one thats unique to me. this entire things is supposed to be me. lel. 'streams of conciousness' not technically meh, but still true in a way.
i feel weird writing this shit..... if you're under the impression that my writing is incoherent thats probably cause thats how i'm thinking atm. clarity and focus elude me..... i'm pretty sure i can do better, but idk. off late been feeling unable to collect my thoughts and feelings. i've run out of things to say, so abrupt random ass ending.
sometimes i feel so worthless. just you know, like my existence doesn't even matter. i feel like a ghost, some intangible force, going from day to day, week to week. life is hard.
i keep wondering, if i were to say disappear, would anybody notice ? would anybody think to themselves, "hey, what happened to that loser ?" ? would anybody care ? idk. i think not. i feel like a burden. so even if anyone were to notice i'm willing to bet they'd be happy about it. "huh finally got rid of that fucker". yeah, yeah.... negative thoughts, yeah ik. but i can't stay away lol.
i mean, if you think about it, isn't life nothing but an allegory for pain and suffering ? we can delude ourselves into temporary fits of 'happiness', but really, everything is just so meaningless. so fickle. if you think about it the only thing that is constant in life is suffering. that way life is a disease. and if life is a disease, then that makes death the cure doesn't it ? idk. morbid. but yeah, sometimes it feels like the only way out. euthanasia. to be put down, because life is so fucking painful. ik i'm not supposed to be thinking that way. but i can't help it. you can only suffer and feel pain, feel hurt, feel, if you're alive. if you exist. i don't feel alive. you know ? this boring, useless, agonizing excuse for an existence ? you call this life ? i want it over with. i want to lie down and be done with it. just float away. lost in oblivion. lost. i don't want this shitty life. i don't want this shitty body or this fucked up mind. i don't want any of the fucking annoying emotions. i've never wanted this.
ik that in life there will always be certain things out of my reach, no matter how hard i try. the things that bring other people happiness, well they don't work on me. its like i'm supposed to be so miserable. lel, sometimes i entertain the notion that i get other stuff to make me feel better, not the 'standard package' and its up to me to seek it out, because i'm on an entirely different path or whatever .... though idk how true that is. it feels nice to think that way i suppose. gosh, who am i trying to fool ? a part of me knows this isn't meant to be.
ugh ! i feel like such a loser. why do people like me even have to live ? wouldn't i be doing a service by putting myself out of misery ? a service not only to myself but for like the rest of the world ?
idk bleh. everything is so meaningless. and my place in all of this is confusing. does it make a difference if i died today ? tomorrow ? i doubt it. not even a blip on anybody's radar. so fucking worthless. maybe its because i'm judging my worth based on other people's perceptions of me. which doesn't make sense, because i don't have any people in my life. oh great, another thing to feel bad about.
ever heard of instant regret ? yeah ? lol. my earlier observations of the nature of social media as this construct thats built on narcissism has been further reinforced. the way i see it, its all just one huge circle-jerk of likes and follow requests and followers and the fucking endorphin rush of having yourself validated by your peers in any way possible. its for people who want to be recognised and appreciated and approved oh so desperately. in many ways it resembles substance abuse i guess. the sharp endorphin hits and subsequent desensitisation and the dependency and addiction it helps foster. i guess its a good thing i'm not too attached to people, and as such can cut [ heh theres got to be a joke somewhere here ] and move on with relative ease, often making it desirable to maintain an ever shrinking list of contacts. so i guess i'm not one to get the point of it. its just weird. i don't want to be connected to other people, thats is weird. putting it like that makes it weird. i don't want to know whats going on in your life, i couldn't care less, due to the simple fact that idk you. this logic can be applied to anyone and everyone. maybe its me shutting out the rest of the damn world. i keep thinking, is this what has come to us ? a selfie culture of hyper self glorification. we put our 'best' selves online. even if that version is fake. somehow, suddenly its everybody's duty to thrust into your face how much better they are and how much better their lives are and how you're missing out on like everything. maybe i'm just exasperated because this level of attention has been missing for me, so i find it downright disgusting ? maybe its my mind rationalising away. idk.
i got an instagram thingy ! supposed to help. idk. apparently i've been shutting myself [ ( sarcasm ) no way ! *gasps* why would i do that ? ( /sarcasm ) ] so yeah.
i'm new to this so still working out the mechanics of this whole thing. so its weird ? idk.
it takes lesser effort nowadays, to keep the metaphorical darkness at bay. my overall cynical and nihilistic nature is slowly being phased out to give way to a general cheerfulness. a welcome change one should say. thanks to the meds i suppose. oh yeah right, i forgot, i got help[ yay ! ] and now i'm on meds, anti depressants and mood stabilizers. so yeah.
things are looking better for me. i feel in control of stuff and yeah.
of course, i'm assaulted by the usual bouts of loneliness every now and then [ being unable to relate to people sucks ], causing minor break downs, nothing i can't get past, but i'll figure it out. ik i should wait and attain a certain stability before forming any sort of relationships with anybody, so yeah.
soon i'll have enough time to pursue my interests, so i'll have other stuff to write about, apart from all the feels, which tbh is not something i'm particularly fond of :D
i feel so isolated. out of touch with myself, the people around me, and the rest of the world as such. people have tried to reach out to me, i recognise their efforts. i also see how futile it is. maybe i'm not trying hard enough, maybe they aren't, whatever. its still the same. the conundrum, so to speak, is simple. i don't want to feel so fucking isolated yet i don't want to get close to other people
i don't understand them, i don't get why they do half the things they do. i'm unable to relate to them. i've never been able to make friends. well yeah i have a few, but not really. this for some reason hurts me.
what doesn't make sense to me is why this feeling of isolation, of being so fucking lonely affects me. logically, i should be happy that i don't have friends. i don't belong with these people any of them, i'm far too weird, far too different to fit in. i am quite certain that given a choice the people who currently spend time with me would choose to stop doing so and stay away. they hate me. they despise me and they're disgusted by me. i have empirical evidence of this, and it sucks. ik that its impossible to be liked and accepted by everyone, if someone doesn't like you that doesn't mean theres something wrong with you, but what if everybody hates you ? ik that isn't really true, yet i feel that way.
what really is the point of going on if i'm going to be trapped in my head forever ?
Happy New Year
idk why its that big of a deal. we just change calendars and at the end of the day [ or must i say end of the year ? 8p ] its just a number. but yeah for what its worth, hope you have a good year !
2017 was pretty shit personally :p one helluva emotional rollercoaster. had some good moments, and some not so good moments. i learnt a lot about myself and i've grown a lot. its almost as if i've become another person. i had dedicated 2017 to the cause of furthering the limits of what ik and i think i succeeded. lets hope in 2018 [ twenty eighteen. sounds weird..... i'll get used to it. ] i get around to mending bridges and work on other long overdue work...
guilt & misunderstandings
its funny how guilt works. often i feel guilty for things i'm not really responsible for [ does that in any way make me a more responsible individual ? lel ], which i suspect is caused due to my rather idiotic habit of overthinking things. eventually i end up blaming myself for things that are totally out of my hands.
then there are times when i am indeed guilty, times like the following incidents.
before that, some context. i'm easily irritated by noise. i often tune out everything i can and while walking [ my preferred mode of travel ] i hate, i HATE the fucking noises the cars make. the unnecessary honking and the whooshing and the fucking swearing, i mean yeah i get it, natural consequence of allowing people to sit in high speed containers along with the notion of being able to control said velocity. so i travel with a pair of earphones. i mean, not that big of a deal right ? i'm super aware of my surroundings, and i'm pretty sure nobody's going to be talking to me.
well yeah. incident at hand takes place because i placed too much faith in assumption stated above. apparently a girlfriend of an acquaintance of mine calls out to me while i'm walking. now here's the thing. i'm walking. my mind is elsewhere. my eyes are a part of a reflex arc thingy which takes care of anything unexpected. so would i really notice anybody on their scooter waving their hands at me [ who the hell would even want to talk to me anyways ??? ], especially somebody who, might i add in this desperate attempt to defend and justify my behaviour, i had never seen before ? [ a piece of advice next time someone wants to get my attention : throw a rock, or any other suitably blunt and suitably rigid body aimed for my head. that ought to do the trick ] [ and i have on countless other occasions been unable to recognise people from their faces.... ]
well no. said person [ calling her M for the rest of this rant ] thinks i'm deliberately avoiding her and is upset [ guessing here from other sources ], but me, being funny old aloof absent-minded me was completely oblivious to these events. whence this event was brought to my attention i did indeed feel bad and i apologised at once to ms. M because i realised it was pretty rude on my part. very rude i guess. i'm not very good at these things.
now, had the story ended there that would have been fine, but yours truly has a weird sense of humour.
i was on IM with M's friend, the one i was acquainted with, when M uses another device to temporarily hijack the conversation. reader, i want you to put yourself in my place. somebody has currently taken over the place of your friend and is arguing with them. one account,two instances fighting with each other. suffice to say, it looked hilarious from my end, most entertaining if i might add :p . in jest, and i repeat, in jest, i had no ill will of any kind, i question M's existence and state that my friend was pulling off a very elaborate double act to troll me.
strike two. M was quite obviously hurt by my comments.... not only did i diss her the other day, now i was dissing her in cyberspace ! of course i apologised for this new misunderstanding and didn't think much of it.
so yes, again i hadn't done anything really wrong till now.... if you were counting the transgressions [ why the overly dramatic language ? idk, go with the flow ] separately. if u were to put them together they seem to be more sinister.
fast forward a couple months later, M was moving to another town and i turned down a chance to meet with M and her friend. i cited my reasons as, and i quote "i don't do stuff like that", "stuff like that" being used to refer to social stuff on a general. which i really don't do [ which i shall talk about in length sometime in the future. yes "in length" means i can write waaaay more longer stuff. lel ]. now this was quite evidently strike three. M was really annoyed and was hurt. [ again speculation based on knowledge that was, at that point in time unavailable ]
ik it doesn't seem much, this whole thing. but i feel very guilty now. my habits [ disconnect from reality, bad humour, unwillingness to participate in social events ] caused an individual to be hurt. and yes it was partly my fault. i've had enjoyable conversations with M multiple times later [ over IM though, still haven't met F2F ]. the cumulative effect of all above misunderstanding was something i never really thought about.
nevertheless this scenario is interesting. i talk about how i don't get affected by what people think or say about me, yet this incident shows me otherwise. which is funny. is being a good person that important of a deal ? do i have to be careful in doing anything ? or as seen from this case, do i have to be careful when I *not* do something ? maybe the thought of being a source of pain for another person disturbs me. should it ?
M, if you're reading this [ and you will because being the fucking pompous ass i am i cannot in good faith allow something i've written for another person *not* reach them. ]. i hope you understand the circumstances of what happened. i apologise for the misunderstanding(s) [ i suspect that in recounting event i might have made a mountain of a molehill , nevertheless that is how things are in my head ] , and for being an asshole. the latter seems to be somewhat of a recurring problem i'm dealing with. i'm just feeling embarrassed and apologetic over this whole thing and felt like writing about it, so yeah.
i wanted to write about why i'm doing this, so here goes
this is an outlet for myself, a platform where i can try to be myself and be genuine. i'll try to be as raw and as honest possible. i'm writing this primarily for myself. so idgaf about you, possibly non existent reader. i've spent enough time worrying about what strangers think of me.
and besides there're a lot of things i want to say, so i'll try and put that up here. i've noticed that i can go for weeks on end without having to talk about something i'd like to talk about. so yeah thats there.
i feel its weird writing about my most private thoughts, exposing my insecurities for the world to look at. i mean yeah, its scary, and it'll take some time before i get used to this and how much i'm sharing. at the moment i use a journal, a actual paper-pencil thing where i scribble whatever comes to mind, so far its been good, but for some reason this is completely different. here on this little page there is *always* that chance that someone reads this so yeah. i mean, if i'm writing about this shit that probably means i'll work to improve it. diagnose and modify. i guess thats one way of looking at it ? lel
i left social media shortly after the global surveillance disclosure of 2013. yeah i do care about individual privacy, but i guess it was more of finding an excuse to get away. "social media" is kinda pointless when you don't have friends. if anything it made me feel even more vulnerable, lonelier. pulling that stunt was i guess my way of rebelling against a system i didn't fit in....
so what i plan to do with this thing here, is to use it to kinda write bs twice or so per week ? or whatever. no commitments. things happen if they want to happen. hopefully i'll get to improve my writing skills in the meantime.
all right ! first post and stuff....
full disclosure : i'm writing this by hand into the html file directly :p turns out i need more time than i have right now to coerce my blog script to work. getting those "ancient" vibes : writing blog posts in a html file using vim over a ssh session. that being said, its not as hard as it sounds :p... And its fun [ albeit its going to be fucking tedious if i don't fix that script in time :/ ]
and oh, I guess this is where I have to say this ? idk ? but yeah, warnings for the following types of content :
- suicidal/depressive thoughts
- mild profanity
- bad humour
and yeah if you want to discuss anything or want to leave feedback, [ or maybe correct a typo ? ], drop me an email !