i feel so isolated. out of touch with myself, the people around me, and the rest of the world as such. people have tried to reach out to me, i recognise their efforts. i also see how futile it is. maybe i'm not trying hard enough, maybe they aren't, whatever. its still the same. the conundrum, so to speak, is simple. i don't want to feel so fucking isolated yet i don't want to get close to other people
i don't understand them, i don't get why they do half the things they do. i'm unable to relate to them. i've never been able to make friends. well yeah i have a few, but not really. this for some reason hurts me.
what doesn't make sense to me is why this feeling of isolation, of being so fucking lonely affects me. logically, i should be happy that i don't have friends. i don't belong with these people any of them, i'm far too weird, far too different to fit in. i am quite certain that given a choice the people who currently spend time with me would choose to stop doing so and stay away. they hate me. they despise me and they're disgusted by me. i have empirical evidence of this, and it sucks. ik that its impossible to be liked and accepted by everyone, if someone doesn't like you that doesn't mean theres something wrong with you, but what if everybody hates you ? ik that isn't really true, yet i feel that way.
what really is the point of going on if i'm going to be trapped in my head forever ?
Happy New Year
idk why its that big of a deal. we just change calendars and at the end of the day [ or must i say end of the year ? 8p ] its just a number. but yeah for what its worth, hope you have a good year !
2017 was pretty shit personally :p one helluva emotional rollercoaster. had some good moments, and some not so good moments. i learnt a lot about myself and i've grown a lot. its almost as if i've become another person. i had dedicated 2017 to the cause of furthering the limits of what ik and i think i succeeded. lets hope in 2018 [ twenty eighteen. sounds weird..... i'll get used to it. ] i get around to mending bridges and work on other long overdue work...
guilt & misunderstandings
its funny how guilt works. often i feel guilty for things i'm not really responsible for [ does that in any way make me a more responsible individual ? lel ], which i suspect is caused due to my rather idiotic habit of overthinking things. eventually i end up blaming myself for things that are totally out of my hands.
then there are times when i am indeed guilty, times like the following incidents.
before that, some context. i'm easily irritated by noise. i often tune out everything i can and while walking [ my preferred mode of travel ] i hate, i HATE the fucking noises the cars make. the unnecessary honking and the whooshing and the fucking swearing, i mean yeah i get it, natural consequence of allowing people to sit in high speed containers along with the notion of being able to control said velocity. so i travel with a pair of earphones. i mean, not that big of a deal right ? i'm super aware of my surroundings, and i'm pretty sure nobody's going to be talking to me.
well yeah. incident at hand takes place because i placed too much faith in assumption stated above. apparently a girlfriend of an acquaintance of mine calls out to me while i'm walking. now here's the thing. i'm walking. my mind is elsewhere. my eyes are a part of a reflex arc thingy which takes care of anything unexpected. so would i really notice anybody on their scooter waving their hands at me [ who the hell would even want to talk to me anyways ??? ], especially somebody who, might i add in this desperate attempt to defend and justify my behaviour, i had never seen before ? [ a piece of advice next time someone wants to get my attention : throw a rock, or any other suitably blunt and suitably rigid body aimed for my head. that ought to do the trick ] [ and i have on countless other occasions been unable to recognise people from their faces.... ]
well no. said person [ calling her M for the rest of this rant ] thinks i'm deliberately avoiding her and is upset [ guessing here from other sources ], but me, being funny old aloof absent-minded me was completely oblivious to these events. whence this event was brought to my attention i did indeed feel bad and i apologised at once to ms. M because i realised it was pretty rude on my part. very rude i guess. i'm not very good at these things.
now, had the story ended there that would have been fine, but yours truly has a weird sense of humour.
i was on IM with M's friend, the one i was acquainted with, when M uses another device to temporarily hijack the conversation. reader, i want you to put yourself in my place. somebody has currently taken over the place of your friend and is arguing with them. one account,two instances fighting with each other. suffice to say, it looked hilarious from my end, most entertaining if i might add :p . in jest, and i repeat, in jest, i had no ill will of any kind, i question M's existence and state that my friend was pulling off a very elaborate double act to troll me.
strike two. M was quite obviously hurt by my comments.... not only did i diss her the other day, now i was dissing her in cyberspace ! of course i apologised for this new misunderstanding and didn't think much of it.
so yes, again i hadn't done anything really wrong till now.... if you were counting the transgressions [ why the overly dramatic language ? idk, go with the flow ] separately. if u were to put them together they seem to be more sinister.
fast forward a couple months later, M was moving to another town and i turned down a chance to meet with M and her friend. i cited my reasons as, and i quote "i don't do stuff like that", "stuff like that" being used to refer to social stuff on a general. which i really don't do [ which i shall talk about in length sometime in the future. yes "in length" means i can write waaaay more longer stuff. lel ]. now this was quite evidently strike three. M was really annoyed and was hurt. [ again speculation based on knowledge that was, at that point in time unavailable ]
ik it doesn't seem much, this whole thing. but i feel very guilty now. my habits [ disconnect from reality, bad humour, unwillingness to participate in social events ] caused an individual to be hurt. and yes it was partly my fault. i've had enjoyable conversations with M multiple times later [ over IM though, still haven't met F2F ]. the cumulative effect of all above misunderstanding was something i never really thought about.
nevertheless this scenario is interesting. i talk about how i don't get affected by what people think or say about me, yet this incident shows me otherwise. which is funny. is being a good person that important of a deal ? do i have to be careful in doing anything ? or as seen from this case, do i have to be careful when I *not* do something ? maybe the thought of being a source of pain for another person disturbs me. should it ?
M, if you're reading this [ and you will because being the fucking pompous ass i am i cannot in good faith allow something i've written for another person *not* reach them. ]. i hope you understand the circumstances of what happened. i apologise for the misunderstanding(s) [ i suspect that in recounting event i might have made a mountain of a molehill , nevertheless that is how things are in my head ] , and for being an asshole. the latter seems to be somewhat of a recurring problem i'm dealing with. i'm just feeling embarrassed and apologetic over this whole thing and felt like writing about it, so yeah.
i wanted to write about why i'm doing this, so here goes
this is an outlet for myself, a platform where i can try to be myself and be genuine. i'll try to be as raw and as honest possible. i'm writing this primarily for myself. so idgaf about you, possibly non existent reader. i've spent enough time worrying about what strangers think of me.
and besides there're a lot of things i want to say, so i'll try and put that up here. i've noticed that i can go for weeks on end without having to talk about something i'd like to talk about. so yeah thats there.
i feel its weird writing about my most private thoughts, exposing my insecurities for the world to look at. i mean yeah, its scary, and it'll take some time before i get used to this and how much i'm sharing. at the moment i use a journal, a actual paper-pencil thing where i scribble whatever comes to mind, so far its been good, but for some reason this is completely different. here on this little page there is *always* that chance that someone reads this so yeah. i mean, if i'm writing about this shit that probably means i'll work to improve it. diagnose and modify. i guess thats one way of looking at it ? lel
i left social media shortly after the global surveillance disclosure of 2013. yeah i do care about individual privacy, but i guess it was more of finding an excuse to get away. "social media" is kinda pointless when you don't have friends. if anything it made me feel even more vulnerable, lonelier. pulling that stunt was i guess my way of rebelling against a system i didn't fit in....
so what i plan to do with this thing here, is to use it to kinda write bs twice or so per week ? or whatever. no commitments. things happen if they want to happen. hopefully i'll get to improve my writing skills in the meantime.
all right ! first post and stuff....
full disclosure : i'm writing this by hand into the html file directly :p turns out i need more time than i have right now to coerce my blog script to work. getting those "ancient" vibes : writing blog posts in a html file using vim over a ssh session. that being said, its not as hard as it sounds :p... And its fun [ albeit its going to be fucking tedious if i don't fix that script in time :/ ]
and oh, I guess this is where I have to say this ? idk ? but yeah, warnings for the following types of content :
- suicidal/depressive thoughts
- mild profanity
- bad humour
and yeah if you want to discuss anything or want to leave feedback, [ or maybe correct a typo ? ], drop me an email !