on not being able to fit in
for the longest time now i've been feeling like i don't belong. its just that. a feeling of being alienated. of not being able to relate to people. not being able to get along with anyone.
its like i'm far too weird to fit in. like everyone i meet is from a completely different alien culture.
lol it sounds so angsty and so immature to say it out loud. but thats essentially whats been happening.
idk when but i eventually just stopped trying to fit in. no point in spending energy wearing some kind of painted mask just to fit in and to be validated. i mean i tried to fit in. i tried. and it failed. it backfired.
i guess most of my problems arise from forcing myself to fit in. i guess i got so tired and just stopped. as a result i feel i've now deviated so much now that reintegration seems to be a rather difficult task, should i ever want to pursue that line of action. i speak weird. i think weirder. my interactions with people are weird. every fucking thing about me is weird. "weird" is anything i consider a negative deviation from the mean. sure ik, "be different, be yourself" and all that; but to what extent ? i think i've taken my individuality to the stage where i feel like a goddamn pariah.
[ funnily enough, when looking up whether i was using it correctly, i found out the word pariah is derived from paraiyar, a lowly untouchable caste of people from south india. maybe its the universe trying to send a message ? xD. | sidenote : everybody be hating on dravidians smh ]
i'm socially awkward and i find it difficult to hold conversations with people. i mean i try to, but idk. i just can't seem to form connections for whatever reason. like i'm unable to relate to people on a deeper level.
i'm a loner. its something i've kinda always been. not by choice obviously. well... not by concious choice atleast.
i've seen that my productivity is max when i'm by myself. having people around me makes me less efficient. makes me sound callous doesn't it ? robotic.
like the things most people are worried about are things i find extraordinarily meaningless. idk. its like everyone is pursuing things that make no sense to me, and like everyone around me is wired differently. and it sucks not being able to enjoy the stuff people around me enjoy.
i mean sometimes i wish i was invisible. i've had too many negative experiences to believe in the possibility that anything else can ever occur [ despite knowing this to be false ]
i've never really 'belonged'. never truly felt at ease in the company of other people. never had a 'tribe' of my own. i guess its a result of me pushing people away. something i've grown exceedingly good at. i don't let people 'in'. i'm far too afraid they'll leave me or betray me, and thats something that has happened so many times, and each time it happens i end up hurt.
i make the assumption that nobody wants to talk to me. its a pretty reasonable assumption to make under the conditions, i guess. i want to talk to people, but every time i do, i want to back away cos most conversations can be stupid, long and painful. i never really make the first move in initiating communication with anybody. i believe that if people want to talk to me, well they would. no point in really talking with people who don't want to talk with you, is there ? and hell, if no one wants to talk with you, then good on them. i mean i get that my attitude makes me unapproachable. i get that i am part of the problem. attempts to rectify this have worked with varying degrees of success, but its something i have to force. not something that comes naturally. its not a passive skill, its something i have to actively enforce. and its not something i really want to spend my focus or energy on.
the few times i do initiate contact with someone, when i reach out, i'm usually greeted with silence, further strengthening the assumption that nobody really wants to talk with me lol. but i guess its something i'm doing wrong. idk. i'm in a continuos process of isolating what the exact cause is, so that i'm able to eliminate it. its not like i want to be this way.
to be very honest, it hurts. it hurts feeling like a goddamn outsider everywhere i am. always on edge, always on alert. like never really being able to relax around other people.
but hey, i guess its just another one of those super fun things about life that just keeps me going. yay. </sarcasm>
ps : i'm sorry for the incoherent and unreadable nature of this post. i'm not thinking straight, and am having difficulties producing meaningful content.