I am tired of hallucinations and paranoia. Seeing shadows in the corner of my eye. Going into survival mode because I randomly fear that a stranger is going to murder me. Thinking that people are conspiring against me. And then after i start hallucinating I become inable to feel pleasure or joy. Unable to speak. Hopeless. Everything starts feeling bleak and pointless. It feels like i have to literally push myself to do anything. I am tired of OCD. Every minute i am doing physical compulsions and patters otherwise i feel somewhat mental/physical (hard to describe) agony. I have to do things in 4s, 8s, even fucking 20s. Or compulsions can manifest themselves in things like washing hands with burning water/fear of germs. But each time i do it it gets stronger. But I can't stop. And then theres intrusive thoughts. They're disturbing and disrupting. I randomly get imagery of things I hate like pedophilia, or extreme, unspeakable torture being commited to me. Those ones are harder to get rid of. Often times i'd rather cut my feet then get intrusive thoughts of them being cut off or the skin of them being pulled off. I am tired of being alone. No one has ever genuinely loved me. I don't fit in anywere. I am doomed to walk alone forever. It is horrifying to remember that no one will ever love you and that no one gives a shit about except to abuse you. Going on a device after you wake up to see "0 unread notifications" again and again. Its especially shitty when you were expecting someone to send you something only to realise that they ghosted you. They always fucking say something along the lines of "You are welcome to talk to me anytime" to have you believe that people care and you have a community but then when you actually talk they realize you are actually fucked but they are too much of a pussy to tell you so they just don't say anything. I am tired of abuse. Being manipulated and lied to. Being yelled at and angrily ranted to for dumb shit. Being threatened. Having no agency or control in your life and being treated as a lesser. You didn't choose to be born though. They just force you into a horrible life. I am tired of flashbacks. The anger, sadness and despair they bring is unbearable. They come at any moment. You have to try to distract yourself from triggers but that is hard. I am tired of distracting myself. Sometimes thats with marijuana, which is awesome even though i am doing permenant damage to my brain and getting addicted every time i have access to some. But weed won't keep you warm at night. Weed wont wish you goodnight or tell you it loves you unconditionally and that everything is ok. When you are doing drugs to cope you will still have that feeling of desperation and hopelessness. Even after all of that every day is still a bad day cuz some shit ends up happening. Today its being physically ill for no reason, but i could go on and on talking about seemingly mundane stuff. Im tired. Of everything. I don't think anyone will read this, i just am kinda hoping someone did and that someone would genuinely check up on me.