~stranger
A trans-programmer, traditional shin-buddhist, and leftist
On suicide
Oct 1 2023
There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide.
Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy.
All the rest — whether or not the world has three dimensions, whether the mind has nine or twelve categories —
comes afterwards.
Living with cptsd, ocd, abuse, gender dysphoria, bipolar I + psychosis, and loneliness has made me think about suicide a lot.
I think many people have experienced watching become far from worth living, and to see it get more worse than imagined.
When you are in that position, when life hurts so much and it gets worse, its easy to start feeling that it will never get
better. It is around then that suicide starts becoming more considered. Even though you may not necesarrily want to die,
continuing to live seems much worse. Drugs, drinking, masturbation, self harm, etc may be used to temporarily numb those
feelings, but in the long run it makes it worse. People will constantly suggest that you should call a lifeline like 988
when you talk about these feelings, but likely you already do or you don't for one reason or another (such as lack of access,
negative experiences with hotlines/lack of trust in hotlines, feeling that it won't do much anyways, etc).
Although calling a suicide hotline may not be helpful, many people who are suicidal also struggle with loneliness. Which is
bad on its own, but especially worse when you are mentally ill. I know the feeling very well, that when things are so bad
but it would be so much better if you had friends/family/a partner who would listen and help you. You have no one to listen
to and to help you but yourself, yet that is hard because you're the one thats mentally ill in the first place.
I have tried many times to reach out, usually online (and i don't have a phone so i can't call a hotline, and no access to
psychological help) and each time I have failed. I've spent hours researching for a way to talk to someone but have
nothing to show for it. The reason that i am suicidal is a combination of severe mental illness, abuse, loneliness and
the feeling that i will always be lonely. If i wasn't alone and had a partner or a good friend i wouldn't be as (if it all)
suicidal.
With the lack of community to help me, I have created or collected from others advice and practices to cope with
suicidal thoughts, they have helped me and might help you so i am going to include them here (I have put all of this here
keeping in mind that i don't know where you're coming from or why you are suicidal, and you might've heard a lot of this
before, but hopefully at least some of it should help);
- You can't say that it wont ever get better. Life is unpredictable. Even if it keeps getting worse now and/or
its been this way for such a long time, you have no way of knowing whether you will always be like this.
- Focus on getting through this moment, however you may do that. Try not to think of the future, just
think about getting better for now. You could try taking a shower, walking or just chilling somewhere like a
park (especially in the night!), getting comfy and watching TV and having a snack (that isn't junk food),
listening to music, seeking a mental health community irl or online, watching a video/livestream,
practicing a hobby, drawing, shooting the shit, crying it out, or sleeping.
- The battle is only over when you end it. Ultimately you have full control over whether or not to commit suicide.
- Your perception of reality and your outlook on life is deeply affected by your mental state. Being bipolar and
psychotic, i have experienced delusions that have caused me to view life in a negative light, and thinking
that i am always dommed to mental agony. But delusions like these can happen in many mental illnesses and
situations. You need to remember that your thinking has been obstructed.
- In the end, you do matter. Even if you really don't have anyone in life who gives a shit (which i understand
from first hand experience), nearly anyone you can think of would be incredibly sad if they knew you had
died of suicide. This isn't mean to guilt trip you, but to show you that there are lots of good people out
there who care, even if many have treated you cruelly.
Anyways, thats all I have to say for now. Hopefully this helps someone in a similar position as me.