A trans-programmer, traditional shin-buddhist, and leftist

Alienated from reality

Sep 27 2023

Before I start this article, for context i should say that I have Bipolar I with mood congruent psychosis. What I'm writing about mainly has to do with psychotic delusions, loneliness, suicideality and other mental health issues. If you'd prefer not to read about those issues at the moment, you can leave now. ... Psychosis is draining me lately. Its a horrible feeling to lose your grip on reality. I have been having a delusion for a long time now; that there is some weird 'factor' for lack of better term that seperates me from everyone. Some of the reasons why i have this is because of severe mental illness, being born queer, abuse, and loneliness have isolated me from society and humanity, and that i only ever fit in when i 'mask' myself. I feel like I am completely alone and unique in humanity, and also that everyone else will end up hurting me and that i cannot relate to anyone. I feel like an alien trying to fit in with humanity. This delusion won't go away, it always bothers me and is making me suicidal. I know that there are lots of people who do actually relate to me, but the delusion still won't go away. Apologies if this blog article seems at all weird, currently going through a manic and psychotic episode and want to vent my frustrations. If you do relate, I encourage you to email me at stranger@ctrl-c.club if you ever want to talk.